My Editor Says That These Two Words I Use Make Kitties Cry

The short of it:

My editor finds an innovative way to point out my repetitious writing habits.

How it began:

I handed in draft number umpteen (that's an understatement) of my 1920's horror novel, Flickers. A short time later (geologically speaking) I received the edited version all marked up in Microsoft Word. All was well and I even laughed when I came across this:

So I dutifully changed it to this:

Then a few pages later this appeared:

Another uproarious laugh exploded from my lips. Exploded, I tell you! This is the kind of back and forth authors love with their editors. And on the next page I found this:

Aha! Game on, I thought. Game on! So for fun, I changed it to this:

And the next one I changed to this:

But something horrible happened. The kitties kept coming. A calvacade of crying kitties. 

A cry of pain strangled itself in my throat. The horror! The horror!

There was only one logical response:

**No editors were hurt in this process. 17 kittens in total cried. Only one author was slightly damaged.

More fiction, zaniness & stuff at:

http://www.arthurslade.com

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Odd Questions Authors Get...with Funny Answers II

These are inspired by a few questions I've been asked...actually some of them are real...
 Q: I have this great idea. If you write it, I'll split the money with you, 50/50. What do you say?
Answer #1: No.
Answer #2: No. And don't come to my parties anymore.
Answer #3: I'll think about it. What? You're a brain surgeon? Well, is it okay if I perform half a brain surgery on you before we begin? It shouldn't take long.

Q: What's your address? Do you have any children? What are there names?
A: You're scaring me. And I think you meant "their names."

Q: Will an agent steal all of my money?
A: No. In fact an agent will make you more money. But you have to get the right agent. There's an easy formula for figuring out whether an agent is the right one. E=MC2 x .15% x worldwidesales x your talent quotient / the chance of a Hollywood movie - your personality quotient + your agent's personality quotient x luck. Easy to figure out, eh? Oh, but make sure you don't get the wrong agent. A small percentage of agents will take 15% of your life force and use it to feed their gerbils. Good luck!

Q: How long does it take to write a book?
A: 60,000 minutes to start with. That's if you dedicate a minute to each word in the average length book. You also have to dedicate a minute to each sentence. That's another 8333.33 minutes. There's another 65,000 minutes for rewriting each word. Add 2500 minutes for computer malfunctions. Then another 4700 minutes for fretting about characters you're going to kill. And 2700 minutes killing them. Only 250 minutes for crying about them, though. I mean, really they were getting on your nerves. Add in the minute that you hover over your email with the MSS attached before you press send. That's 143484.33 minutes. Or about 59.785 work weeks. Maybe add in about 2467 hours of depression if your book is rejected. Then start all over again.

 Q: Will I make a million dollars if I publish an ebook by myself?
A: Yes. You only have to sell 1 a day for the next 487,804 days. If you sell two a day you'll make the money in half the time.

 Art

Funny Answers to Odd Writerly Questions

These are inspired by a few questions I've been asked...

Q: Arthor, I read your book DUST. Tell me the symbolism in it. I have a paper due tomorrow so I need to know now.
A: I will tell you the symbolism. But first I'd like you to cut my lawn. It needs to be cut now. I'm waiting.

Q: I have an idea for a book that you should write. It's my life story. Some really interesting things happened, so far. I can't tell them to you because you might steal the ideas. I'm too busy to write it.
A: I'm not busy at all! Would love to sacrifice a year of my life writing your book. Is 2071 too soon?

Q: Why does your book suck so much?
A: This may seem hard to believe but writing a book that sucks takes years of work. First I take anything that is remotely interesting or exciting out of the book. Then I add all the boring characters and have them sit around doing nothing. Finally, I inject suckiness into the prose using a special method taught to me by a suckiness master. It's like becoming a kung fu master, without the exercise. Glad to know my hard work has paid off.

Q: Really, I'm not joking, what is the symbolism in your book? I need to know. I got an extension. 
A: My lawn still needs cutting. 

Q: I have some really great ideas. How do I stop people from stealing them?
A: I don't want you to feel paranoid, but I'm reading your mind right now. Those are amazing ideas! If you want to prevent others from stealing your ideas wear a tinfoil hat.

Anyone else have questions? Post them below...

Art