Tuesday, September 16, 2008

This Really BUGS me!

More Jolted humour:

I know if you’re reading these words that you’re someone who’s always ahead of the curve. You’re a trendsetter. You were green/cool/retro before everyone else jumped on the bandwagon. You’ve got nice hair, too. Now is your chance to get even further ahead of the curve and lose weight and save the environment. “How?” you ask. Start eating bugs.

Oh, I know some of you have stopped reading now, and that’s too bad, because you don’t have the stuff/moxy/gusto to really set a trend. Bugs are the new 100-mile diet, or even 10-meter diet. They multiply like… well, like insects, and they have a very tiny environmental footprint. Heck, their feet (tarsi, technically) are just a bunch of little pads, hairs, or hooks and they hardly disturb a speck of dust. And they’re good for you. Take moth larvae (aka caterpillars): they are stuffed full of protein, fat, vitamins and minerals. Mmmmmmmm. Yum. Fry them up and mix in gravy and curds and you’ve got caterpillar poutine.

Okay, does this gross you out? Well, buck up! Survival is a state of mind that sloughs off all that civilized junk you’ve been taught. Besides, you’re already eating some rather gross food. Do you like honey? Well, that’s just bee vomit. Yes, it’s all been regurgitated. It’s time you took control of your own backyard—don’t let a wasp bite you; you bite it first. Raw yellow jacket larvae have a sweet, nutty flavour (doesn’t that just make you salivate?). Just be careful when you gather them. So, go out there and dig up those ant larvae—you’ll be saving the world one thorax at a time.

You’re still reading this, aren’t you? I knew you were a green/cool/retro trendsetter. Your hair is still looking good. Here’s your reward: if you’re searching for something to take to your next pot luck, this is a recipe from the main character in my book Jolted:

Newton Starker’s Chocolate Cricket Recipe

Collect two dozen crickets. Wash them in a covered colander. Shake them dry. Place them in the freezer for 15 minutes to kill them (but don’t let them freeze). Remove the head, hind legs, and wing cases (if you don’t want them to get stuck in your teeth). Bake at 250 degrees until they are deliciously crunchy. Dip the crickets in melted semisweet chocolate (you’ll need several squares) and let cool on wax paper.



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