Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Margaret Atwood for Canadian Prime Minister

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  The Short Story I try to find a better choice for Prime Minister of Canada and come up with one conclusion. 
  The Whole Story: I'm saddened by the fact that we only have three choices for Prime Minister in this Canadian election and they're all male (I do realize I'm leaving out Elizabeth May but the Green wave is more of a conscientious trickle right now). I've thought long and hard about what we can do to get more and better choices. There's a team at work in the bunker trying to defrost Diefenbaker, but he may not be ready in time for October 19th, 2015. So my vote is with Margaret Atwood for Prime Minister of Canada. She's the woman to get the job done right. Here's how she would handle the important issues:

  The Economy: Not a problem for PM Atwood. She's part poet. And poets are profusely proficient at pinching pennies. So our 1.83 Trillion dollar economy would be more than enough for room and board for every Canadian (and in their free time they could write poems). In fact our economy, being poetry based, would grow from both the heart and the head outwards.

  Foreign Policy: Are you worried about Putin messing with Ukraine? Just tell PM Atwood that Putin changed the last line in The Handmaid's Tale to "and it all ended happily ever after." Her icy glare would drive him straight back to the Kremlin. In fact she can reshape borders with that glare. Presidents fear it! Prime ministers and dictators put on sunglasses to avoid it. So all of our foreign problems would be solved with just one raising of her angry eyebrow (you may be curious about the icy glare. All authors have a patented icy glare. They develop it from attending galas where people say such things as, "Oh, you're a writer--what do you do for a real job?"). You do not want to ever push her to defcan 1.*

  The Hair: Face it. This is an election about hair. She outclasses all three leaders in this important department. They fear her hair.

  Healthcare: Not a problem for PM Atwood. She's a senior citizen. Seniors know healthcare. Just go to your local drug store or doctor's office and ask one. Then go and buy some Q-tips because you'll have had an earful.

  Terrorism: Prime Minister Atwood would not be afraid of the terrorist threat that surrounds us so ubiquitously. According to a quick calculation on Goodreads she has personally caused three apocalypses, mercilessly offed 872 characters (not bad, but not George RR Martin numbers) and destroyed twelve marriages. What? That was all fiction! Just imagine if she could rewrite real life from the PMO's office.

  The Arts & the CBC & Other Leftist Troughs: She would cut the arts. After all, with our presumptiously profuse and poetic economy pumping to perfection everyone will be buying books and watching Canadian movies and singing Canadian songs left, right and centre. Hockey players will recite poetry instead of fighting. Peter Mansbridge will don a beret and do the news "beatnik" style. And Mike Duffy will do dramatic recitations of a play called MacDuff: Everyone Look At Me and My Bank Account.

  The Military: PM Atwood would become our military.

 So there you have it. Margaret Atwood is the best choice for Prime Minister of Canada. It's time to write a real change!  Everyone grab their pens and vote! #Atwood4PM

 *Defcan 1 is not a band that plays music on CBC. It's a state of military readiness in Canada. It means hockey stick in hand and ready to perform a full out body check. Defcon 1 (in case you're wondering) is the defense readiness condition (DEFCON) of the American military.  It means nuclear war imminent. Or in layman's terms: fire all your guns and jump in your bunker. Make sure you have some good reading material while you're there.

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