Monday, February 27, 2012

Odd Questions Authors Get...with Funny Answers II

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These are inspired by a few questions I've been asked...actually some of them are real...
 Q: I have this great idea. If you write it, I'll split the money with you, 50/50. What do you say?
Answer #1: No.
Answer #2: No. And don't come to my parties anymore.
Answer #3: I'll think about it. What? You're a brain surgeon? Well, is it okay if I perform half a brain surgery on you before we begin? It shouldn't take long.

Q: What's your address? Do you have any children? What are there names?
A: You're scaring me. And I think you meant "their names."

Q: Will an agent steal all of my money?
A: No. In fact an agent will make you more money. But you have to get the right agent. There's an easy formula for figuring out whether an agent is the right one. E=MC2 x .15% x worldwidesales x your talent quotient / the chance of a Hollywood movie - your personality quotient + your agent's personality quotient x luck. Easy to figure out, eh? Oh, but make sure you don't get the wrong agent. A small percentage of agents will take 15% of your life force and use it to feed their gerbils. Good luck!

Q: How long does it take to write a book?
A: 60,000 minutes to start with. That's if you dedicate a minute to each word in the average length book. You also have to dedicate a minute to each sentence. That's another 8333.33 minutes. There's another 65,000 minutes for rewriting each word. Add 2500 minutes for computer malfunctions. Then another 4700 minutes for fretting about characters you're going to kill. And 2700 minutes killing them. Only 250 minutes for crying about them, though. I mean, really they were getting on your nerves. Add in the minute that you hover over your email with the MSS attached before you press send. That's 143484.33 minutes. Or about 59.785 work weeks. Maybe add in about 2467 hours of depression if your book is rejected. Then start all over again.

 Q: Will I make a million dollars if I publish an ebook by myself?
A: Yes. You only have to sell 1 a day for the next 487,804 days. If you sell two a day you'll make the money in half the time.

 Art

12 comments:

Eve Kotyk said...

Love, love, love, "How long does it take to write a book."

Sylvia McNicoll said...

Oh come on "Where do you get your ideas?" Count the number of times you have not been asked that in the context of an author visit or writing workshop or even a cocktail party conversation where you have unwittedly answered "writer" to answer the question "And what do you do for a living?"

Arthur Slade said...

Thanks Eve!
And Sylvia...yes, what do you do for a living? Hmmm. Next installment we'll have to figure out that answer...

Linda Jackson said...

Number 1 has happened to me a few times, too. I was once told that if I helped him/her write his/her book, he/she would make us both rich.

...I passed on it.

Arthur Slade said...

What, Linda! You passed on it. But you could be a millionaire! : )

Kat Duncombe said...

HA!I had a good laugh at this.

Darcy Pattison said...

Um, I think you vastly under-estimated the length of time spent on computer malfunctions.

Darcy

Arthur Slade said...

You're right. I forgot to add to the power of 10 to that part of the equation!

Dr. Booze said...

answer to "Where do you get your ideas from?":

Ideas.com I pay them $50 for every good one they send me.

Kathleen said...

When I am asked where I get my ideas from I say: "The Aether." Either I get funny looks or confused ones. I like the ideas.com one though, maybe I'll use that one next time!

Arthur Slade said...

Ah, so that's where ideas come from. I've been stealing mine from Happy Days reruns.

www.jerryhaigh.com said...

Art, I think you also forgot that there is time needed for washing the dishes, sleeping, playing with the kids, shopping and even eating. Not to mention talking to your partner for a few minutes a week in order to avoid being kicked out of the house.